When the holidays come around, Jenna Jonaitis pulls out her spreadsheets to make sure she doesn’t miss a gift, a meal or a party. With a husband, four kids under 8 and a large, extended family, she’s determined to stay on top of her game for the holiday season marathon.
Jonaitis chooses, buys and wraps almost all the presents. She’s also responsible for the mental and physical labor needed to prepare holiday dishes to bring to grandma’s house. Then there’s the decorating. This is all in addition to her already overscheduled day-to-day responsibilities of school events, homework, meal prep and endless appointments, not to mention keeping the kids engaged, busy and happy during school vacations.
“It’s a lot,” said Jonaitis.
Throughout the year, women spend twice as much time as men cooking, cleaning, shopping and planning for their families. Add the unpaid physical, emotional, and mental labor women take on during the holidays, and it’s no wonder we’re exhausted.
“We’ve been conditioned to bear the brunt of the mental load, and it can have adverse consequences,” said Colette Fehr, LMHC, LMFT, NCC, therapist and relationship expert.
If the planning, the organizing, the buying, the wrapping, the shipping and the constantly thinking about everybody else is giving you Resting Grinch Face, you’re not alone.
Here are 4 tips to keep your tinsel from getting in a tangle this holiday season.
Involve the whole family
Women are the magicians behind the holiday magic. If we don’t hang the stockings, cook the turkey or wrap the gifts, it probably won’t happen. This often means putting our own needs aside to make sure everyone else has the perfect experience. But this can lead to stress, anxiety and resentment, said Fehr.
To make sure holidays stay merry and bright for the whole family, including you, Fehr suggested asking for help. “Get very specific and delegate. It’s not selfish. It’s an act of self-care.”. By asking everyone to pitch in, you’re taking some of the pressure off and modeling equality in the home.
- Write out and delegate tasks in a clear way
- Tell your family the holidays are a team effort
- Make sure you and your partner have equal holiday-related responsibilities
- Decorate and wrap gifts together
Have an honest conversation about expectations
Setting ground rules helps women feel empowered, said Fehr. Having open and honest conversations about your needs, limits and holiday expectations also creates stronger connections with your family.
- Communicate your needs
- Share your feelings before you become stressed out
- Plan a rest and relax day during the holiday rush
Redefine what “joy” means
Before diving into the next item on your list, ask yourself if it’s going to bring you and your family joy. “Reconnect with your why,” suggested Fehr. Think about how important items on your to-do list are and if they’re really necessary.
Perfectly wrapped gifts and a house that looks like Martha Stewart lives there may not be creating the memories you think they are. “Your family remembers the laughter and the joy and the conversation,” said Fehr. Chances are they don’t care if you decide not to set up an entire Christmas village in your living room. Instead, keep it simple, and try to focus on your time together.
- Decorate as much as you want to, not as much as you think you have to
- Rethink obligations like hosting and attending events. Ask yourself, “Does this bring me joy?” If the answer is “No,” really consider whether it’s worth your time and energy
“Good enough” is your new mantra
Things go wrong. Turkeys get burned. Your table may not look like a spread from a glossy magazine. That’s all OK, and it’s part of making lasting memories.
Fehr suggested starting the holiday season by asking yourself if your expectations are realistic.
Instead of trying to make the holiday perfect, strive for “good enough.”
- Let go of perfection
- Put your guilt aside
- Practice self-compassion
To have a truly memorable holiday season, “Let go where you can, ask for help and enjoy the people around you,” said Fehr. That’s how to put the happy back in your holidays.
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