As educators, we frequently encounter challenging situations, often involving aggressive or defensive responses that feel like a verbal assault.
I learned this firsthand as a new administrator when a student was seated in the office for detention and another child walked up, knocked on the window, and made fun of him. I redirected the heckler, and later that night I was stunned at what happened: the parent of the heckler wrote a letter to the superintendent, complaining that I had verbally assaulted his son and demanded I be fired; I was clearly unfit to work with children.
After thousands of encounters with difficult people, I developed microstrategies, which are quick, practical, and immediately impactful solutions that educators and leaders can use to manage daily interactions and challenges, saving time and keeping the focus on students.
The ability to adapt and successfully navigate hostile people demands recognizing how to manage and understand them. The key is to never match a difficult person’s aggressiveness, no matter how wrong they are, or how defensive you feel. Instead, always keep a steady eye on objectivity.
Understanding and Countering Blame Displacement
Blame displacement happens when people deflect responsibility for problems or failures onto others, resulting in avoidance rather than accountability. This deflection often stems from ego, which Ryan Holiday characterizes in Ego Is the Enemy, as a deep-seated desire to protect self-image and avoid the discomfort of perceived shortcomings. This ego-driven defensiveness manifests as subtle manipulations to offload responsibilities and maintain a perception of blamelessness and accusations.
To counter this, educators should deploy methods such as Todd Whitaker’s approach on Shifting the Monkey. Effective leaders must consistently and respectfully deflect “monkeys” (responsibilities, problems, and complaints) back to their rightful owners to protect good employees and kids, and maintain an organization’s focus on student success.
For example, when a parent attempts to displace blame for their child’s struggles on educators trying to help, strategic responses to recognize this transfer allows us to skillfully return the monkey back to where it belongs, through skillful redirection. A strategic redirection might be: “I’ve provided the resources and guidance and now I’d like to hear what strategies you believe would be most effective in helping your child meet these goals.”
Displacing blame perpetuates confusion and misunderstanding for children and that’s when kids lose. School leaders have to manage the monkeys, so students don’t have to and win.
The 90/10 Rule
While educators experience disproportionate and aggressive responses, it’s important to maintain perspective. Most families I encounter have a trusting and reasonable response to our management system for student conduct and development, which I refer to as the 90/10 Rule (or “rule of nines”): 90% of people are decent, understanding, and reasonable in our shared encounters, yet the difficult and exasperating 10% approach concerns with aggression, defensiveness, and insult and and occupy an inordinate majority of time and resources.
This small, significant minority makes themselves well known, having made the cashier at Target cry, insulted the security officer, etc. While challenging and even hostile, they are often doing the best that they can. We must implement strategies to manage our responses to them, not to avoid them.
Strategy Shifting and Taking the Higher Ground
Effectively countering blame displacement requires both a procedural approach to shift ownership and a conscious, objective alternative redirection to the ego-driven narrative fueling it. We must always take the higher ground, keeping in mind our most important role: how we are helping their child develop and thrive, serving as a role model for our students and them.
When a difficult person attacks, accountability is confronted by recentering the dialogue and reminding them that civility comes first for the sake of the child. A powerful redirection I use is: “I will never speak to you or your child like that and I expect the same in return.” This often shocks parents back into reality.
Clearly communicate expectations, focus on collaborative problem-solving that includes the difficult person’s role, and consistently reinforce that while the school plays a vital part, the parent’s collaboration is crucial in student success. By refusing to accept displaced blame, educators protect their time and energy, allowing them to focus on supporting students in ways that are truly within our professional landscape.
The parent who demanded I be fired long ago eventually came to me (three years later), thanking me for my patience and understanding. He acknowledged his own shortcomings, realizing that I was not “after” his son, as he instinctively assumed. This was a strangely liberating and unexpected turnaround.
While most blame-displacers will not come around as he did, some will and that is the promise I offer. It has remained my true reward, because a child can see the other side, not a combative educator validating their parent’s irrational reaction, but a civil even-handed approach to their success.
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