In my work with couples, I like to think of the Japanese art of kintsugi. The word means “gold repair,” and it refers to the practice of mending broken pottery with lacquer and powdered gold. Rather than hiding the cracks, kintsugi illuminates them. The once-broken object becomes even more beautiful — not in spite of its history, but because of it.
The same can be true for relationships.
Every couple will experience breaks. Sometimes they come in the form of betrayal, misunderstanding, a slow drift, or simply the accumulation of unmet needs. When a relationship cracks under pressure, the instinct might be to throw it away or try to force it back to the way it once was.
But that’s not possible because the original form has changed. It’s kind of like the example where someone crumples up a piece of paper and then smooths it out again. It’s still an intact piece of paper, but it’s definitely not the same smooth surface it was before.
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But unlike that crumpled piece of paper, which just lays bare the damage it went through, with no improvement, kintsugi reminds us that there is the potential to build upon what came before and shape it into something new, something beautiful.
Shattered relationships are like shattered pottery
When couples come into therapy, they’re often sitting with the broken pieces of something they once valued deeply. The process of healing, of rebuilding connection, takes effort. It cannot be rushed — and it rarely looks like a perfect restoration. In fact, we wouldn’t want it to because that would mean there hadn’t been any growth.
Each step a couple takes toward one another, even in discomfort, builds confidence that repair is possible. Over the years, I’ve seen relationships grow stronger not by avoiding conflict but by nurturing the skills they need to move through it. The cracks don’t disappear, but they become part of a story you’ve written together.
So, how does this translate into everyday relationship work?
Here are 4 tips couples can use to strengthen their connection after a fracture:
1. Embrace imperfection: Rather than aiming for a flawless relationship, focus on building one that can handle real life. Talk openly about the moments that have felt difficult or disappointing. Use language like “this was hard for me” instead of pointing fingers. Schedule time to identify what you’ve learned from past conflicts. The goal is not to erase the break but to understand it and learn how to respond differently moving forward.
2. Practice self-compassion: It’s easy to be hard on yourself or your partner when something goes wrong. Instead, notice the inner voice that shows up after conflict. Ask yourself, “Would I speak to a friend this way?” If not, rewrite the narrative. During moments of tension, take a pause and simply say, “We’re both doing the best we can right now.” This small practice helps lower defensiveness and creates space for repair.
3. Build resilience through reflection: After a disagreement or challenging season, set aside time to reflect as a couple. Ask each other, “What helped usget through that?” and “What could we do differently next time?” Write your answers down. Keep a shared journal or document where you track these reflections. Over time, this record becomes a reminder of your capacity to navigate difficulty together.
4. Create meaning together: Language shapes perspective. If you describe every argument as a failure, you’re less likely to see opportunities for growth. Instead, shift the frame. Try saying, “That was a turning point” or “We learned something important about ourselves there.” Mark these moments when you’ve come together to fix something and celebrate them, even if it’s in small ways.
The art of moving forward
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Repairing a relationship is rarely about returning to what was. It is about deciding, together, what comes next. Just like kintsugi honors the history of a broken object by making it more meaningful, couples have the opportunity to create something new out of what may have felt lost.
If you’re in the process of repair, give it time, give it care, and remember that the effort you put into understanding each other is what makes the bond even stronger than it was before.
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